6/4/2014 8:58:00 AM One Man's Rant Letter to the Arizona Diamondbacks
by Wil Williams
I've decided to write a letter to Ken Kendrick, owner of the Diamondbacks down in Phoenix. In my letter to "Ken," I will suggest a surefire way that he can significantly trim his labor costs without effecting the team's performance on the field. In this economy, I'm talking a big cut here - as much as $5.5 million a year. But before I launch into the meat of my message to Ken, I intend to digress.
I'm not only going to digress, I going to attempt something that probably has never been tried in the 16-year history of Arizona's professional baseball team. Within the confines of the next paragraph, I will endeavor to compare and contrast the Arizona "Cellar Dwellers" and the Arizona "Cliff Dwellers" - and I will do so without a safety net.
Let's define our terms: Cellar Dwellers did not live in the basement while the Cliff Dwellers occupied the upper floors of a high rise. We cherish the historic Arizona Cliff Dwellers, partly, because they're not around much anymore. We have not historically cherished our Arizona Cellar Dwellers because they are with us all too frequently. As far as I know, the Cliff Dweller's elevator didn't go to the basement.
Counting this year so far, our Cellar Dwelling Arizona D'backs have resided at the bottom of the National League West three times in the past five seasons averaging more than 15 games out of first place each year.
Now against this astounding statistical backdrop, it's time that someone sent a letter to the owner of the Diamondbacks. I'm proud to say that I'll step to the plate to do it.
My letter suggests that Ken replace third baseman Martin Prado and his $11 million contract...with your humble correspondent at half Martin's salary! With me straddling third base, the Diamondbacks will continue to muff games, so nothing changes in the box scores. That's right; I'll help extend the team's woeful record, but with an impressive and immediate $5.5 million savings in labor overhead! The only added expense above my paltry $5.5 million paycheck will be arthritis medications and a prodigious supply of ace bandages to keep my sextigenarian architecture in one piece.
I come with an impressive athletic resume. I was a little league pitcher back in the 1950's whose occasional fastball registered up to 19 miles an hour with a strong tailwind. The only concession I ask is that the mound be moved to within 20 feet of home plate so my blazing deliveries can reach the batter. Oh, and I'd request the protective safety net in front of me that I didn't need earlier in this column.
I can also be an asset off the field. I'm willing to sign autographs, do testimonials and make special appearances. What's more, Ken, you'll be providing a job to a citizen rather than importing Mr. Prado from Venezuela. So you see, you won't be sending jobs overseas, so to speak.
Let's look at this situation from a business point of view. As long as the Diamondbacks are destined to play lousy baseball anyway, Ken, you might as well control costs where you can. I'm your man. And, hey, I know lots of guys who played some baseball mid last century. Who knows how much we collectively can improve your bottom line?
OK, I just returned from the post office. I'm standing next to my mail box waiting for your contract offer. Ken? Hello?
To comment on this column, and to support my campaign to reduce the Arizona Diamondback's expenses, email me at email@example.com.