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home : opinions : commentary February 5, 2016

11/14/2012 8:54:00 AM
On a cold Chino night...the Pumpkinator strikes

Matt Santos

It was a cold night in Chino Valley. Rainy, with a chance of snow.

The wind blew strong from the west, a chill ran down my spine as I approached the house.

I knew something was wrong as my headlights swept across the fence leading to our dirt driveway, and then I saw it. Laying crippled and broken, beaten down by delinquents, with the shattered remains of the weapon laying on the side of the road just a few feet away.

My mailbox.


Taken down by a pumpkin.

It all started Saturday night. I had been on the job all day and the clock on the dash now read past midnight. It had been a long day of shooting pictures and taking notes.

The only thing I wanted to do was kick off my shoes and unwind with a glass of juice and a warm blanket.

But earlier in the night, someone, a street gang I'm sure, decided that driving up Road 1 East and tossing pumpkins at mailboxes would be a good way to get their kicks, and they left a trail of dead receptacles in their wake.

What drove them to such meaningless destruction?

I can only guess, but rest assured, I won't rest until these monsters are brought to justice.

We have our best man on the case. Well, our only man. He's three. It's his job.

Early Sunday morning, Anthony took to the streets to canvass the area (that's what they call it on TV, canvassing, looking for skells and perps).

He investigated by examining the evidence, chunks of now frozen pumpkin shell, mushy pumpkin guts, and a dead mailbox. His examination technique involved a lot of kicking and laughing at gooey pumpkin parts.

While it's too early to make any arrests, here's what we know so far about the Great Pumpkin Massacre of 2012:

• Since this crime involves an approved US Postal Dept. mailbox, I'm pretty sure we can call the Feds in on this.

• As my Daily Courier box also fell victim, I think some first amendment rights have also been violated.

• In our investigation, we discovered no fewer than five more victims as we headed north, so this may be the work of a serial killer.

• While we are not ready to release all the details to the media, it is quite possible we will pursue this as a hate crime.

This tragedy raises as many questions as it answers.

What drives men to kill a box?

Was this the result of some long repressed Jack-O-Lantern fixation?

Is a cult involved?

Where did they get so many pumpkins?

A message to "The Pumpkinator:" Your secret can't stay hidden forever, especially in light of the reward.

After cleaning out the ashtray, we are prepared to offer a $3.48 bounty for information leading to the arrest and conviction of The Pumpkinator.

With that kind of incentive, it won't be long before your accomplices rat you out, so watch your back.

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Reader Comments

Posted: Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Article comment by: Good Luck .....

This really was a great article to read!! Thank you. "Finally Humor" said it perfectly.

Posted: Monday, November 19, 2012
Article comment by: Finally Humor

Thank you for adding humor to our day. With all the hate and depressed people around here, it was good to see some humor put back into a Halloween prank. As long as no one was hurt, except the boxes, poor things, all will be well. And the pump perks may still yet get caught.

Posted: Sunday, November 18, 2012
Article comment by: Kathleen Little

Well....the "pumpkinator" also struck all along road 1 west!

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